How does this sound?

Wow, for a 13 year old you're very good! You seem to have the same writing style as I do, so I think I can really appreciate where your coming from. The choppy sentences work well for what's being described. Being in a car crash in not one smooth movement, so the words shouldn't flow perfectly like they do when you're describing water. The only thing I can really think of is you're hovering around a few overused phrases. "Metal on metal shrieked" is a great sentence, But if you could find a new, fresher way to say it it would dramatically improve the overall composition. Just don't make the same mistakes I do and worry about one line for so long you forget about the rest of the story! When inspiration comes, change it. Until then, leave it.